"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." ~Annie Dillard

I just spent three glorious days in Draper with my adorable, sweet cousins. I spent a lot of time helping two of my cousins babysit her sister's neighbors' kids (confusing I know). Essentially, I spent most of my weekend babysitting, and cooking, but it was so fun, and exactly what I needed!

Friday I spent the whole day working really hard to get as many of my projects and classes finished before I left for Draper at 7:30. I took two tests in the space of an hour, and actually felt good about both of them! I finished 2 art assignments, which completed that class. I also finished my children's book for my music class. That project took so long! All total it cost me about $30 and at least 15 hours. It was absolutely ridiculous, but, I think it looks great, and I'm just really glad to be done. One of my friends told me I should really try to get it published. I'm not sure if it's that good, but, yeah. We'll see what my professor said - I'm all over extra money, if someone will really pay me for it! When I got home around 4:30 that afternoon, I cleaned my apartment, did my laundry, and cleaned my room.

I spent Friday night, Saturday, and most of Sunday with my cousins. We did lots of crafts, watched "Lady and the Tramp" and "Baby Signing Time" about five times each, and the usual Easter festivities (an easter egg hunt for the kids, and a large dinner complete with strawberry trifle, and eclair cake for the adults)! In reality, I spent a lot of time babysitting and cooking, but it didn't matter because I was with my family! One of the little girls my cousins were babysitting was one and my other little cousin was one and a half. They are two of the cutests and sweetest kids I have ever seen! They are so innocent, trusting, and affectionate. My favorite thing about the whole weekend was cuddling with them just before their naps. There's nothing quite like having those tiny little fingers wrap around one of yours and guide you around the yard to look at the little things we often take for granted (the swingset, the rocks, the grass), or having those two little hands reach up, begging for you to pick them up. Those are the moments that make life truly beautiful.

I have to say that being away from Provo gave me a much needed break, and helped me to regain my perspective, which, I must admit, had been slipping a little. On the way back to Provo, I was talking to my aunt and uncle, and I realized that I am at a perfect place in my life. I am in a perfect position as far as my education and career are concerned, to get married at any time. I was able to step back and realize some of the little ways that the Lord has proided for me. I gained some perspective on a dear friend of mine, whom I love, which was definitely needed. I'm so looking forward to this coming spring and summer! I just have to make it through the next week and a half. But I have stopped caring about my grades and started caring about what I learn.

This weekend I stayed with my cousins at a stranger's house (remember, they were babysitting). I absolutely loved the way she had decorated her house. One of the walls had a wonderful quote about peace on it, that I love. This isn't the exact one, but, pretty close:

"Peace is not an absence of chaos or trouble, but to be in the midst of all these things and be calm in your heart."

Amid the chaos, and sometimes trouble, of my daily life, I'm perfectly content where I am - single, not dating, working hard at work and school - because I am at peace. I am calm about my future. I know that one day I will get married, and whether it is someone I think I would like to marry right now, or someone I still have not met, I know that the Lord will provide a way for it to happen in his time and not my own. While everything around me is changing, I am completely content knowing that no matter what separates us, we will all come together again one day and revel in the joy and love of friendships rekindled and strengthened. That is a peaceful, calming thought!

So much to say, so little ways to say it...

It's really hard to put what I'm feeling into words right now. I read an e-mail today from a dear friend who is serving a mission in Ukraine. We were good friends freshman year, and kept in touch over the summer until he went on a mission. I wrote him faithfully almost every month for the first 15 months of his mission. These last 6 it's been a little more infrequent, but his mother forwards me his weekly e-mails, and while I may not always have time to write, he is in my thoughts quite often. He comes home in 59 days... but who's counting. In his e-mail he was making plans for the summer and for returning to school. I really can't believe he's coming home. I can't believe it's been two years!

It's interesting because when I told people about saying good-bye to him, everyone always says, "oh, he likes you. You don't have a good-be like that with someone you don't care about." That's just it. We care about each other. I don't know that it's romantic. But whenever I have troubles with other guys, all my friends say, "Well, Stephen's coming home..." Yeah, he is. Lots of people ask me if I plan on going on a mission. I don't feel like I should go on a mission, I've only wanted to in passing, more because it was a cool thing to do and less because I really wanted to. I've never really envisioned myself on a mission, but rather married. It's funny because it's almost two years until my girl friends will be home from their missions. That's a long time and so much can happen in that time - look at Amie and Jared! They went from not knowing each other existed to being happily married with a newborn baby boy!

It was interesting the feelings I had when I read his e-mail today. Reading his e-mail today, though, he really has direction. Since becoming friends with Dave, that is something that has become a necessity for my husband. He's got to have direction. Stephen wants to major in International Relations and probably go to graduate school. He's so ambitious and so driven. It's impressive. I've spent over two years convincing myself that we're never going to date, much less get married, and now as his homecoming gets closer and closer, I get more and more excited. It's not a nervous excited, but a peaceful excitement, almost an assurance. It's very hard to describe.

Everyone says they can totally see me with someone like Stephen, and truth be told, I don't think I've really met anyone that could take his place in my heart. Maybe I eventually will. One of my good friends told me a few minutes ago that she can see me married in the next two years. It's so funny because I have no idea if that will actually happen, or who it will happen with. I've often wondered what it will be like to really fall in love, and how I'll know. My friend's boyfriend put it the way I imagine it, "there's no one else in the world I would rather be with."

I don't know. I often wonder what it will be like, and how it will feel to fall in love. But mostly, I just dream. I don't really know how I'll know, but, I know I'll know.

Oh How the Years Go By!

My best friend Jill got her mission call last night. She's going to the Slovenia Croatia Mission, speaking Croatian. She reports to the Provo Missionary Training Center May 3rd. She is so excited to serve the people there! Jill is leaving in 4 weeks and 4 days. It's so soon!

As for me, well, it hit me once again how fast we're growing up, and how everything is changing. I called my parents to tell them to good news and started sobbing. I really am excited for her. Really, I couldn't walk fast enough to get home from my class. There were so many wonderful people there to help her celebrate. It was wonderful! I'm happy for her, and sad for me. Jill was the one that's been there for me through everything. She was there to cry and laugh with me when all of our missionaries left, when Amie got married, when I had boy troubles, when I had roommate issues, when Amie had her baby. Now Jill's got her mission call, and is going half-way around the world. Who's going to be here for me now, to laugh and cry with me? Who am I going to say "Oh Jill!" too? When will I get my Jill hugs? I know the Lord has called her to Croatia because the people there need her. Yes, they need her even more than I do. I just have to trust that He will provide someone for me to fill that void that I have already begun to feel.

While I was doing my homework today, an Amy Grant song came on my iPod. As I'm sure you've been able to tell, music touches me deeply and expresses the things that I quite often cannot put into words. This song was no different:

In our times of trouble
We only had ourselves
Nobody else
No one there to save us
We had to save ourselves
And when the storms came through
They found me and you
Back to back together
And when the sun would shine
It was yours and mine
Yours and mine forever

There were times we stumbled
They thought they had us down
But we came around
How we rolled and rambled
We got lost and we got found
Now we’re back on solid ground
We took everything
All our times would bring
In this world of dangers
’Cause when your heart is strong
You know you’re not alone
In this world of strangers

And if we lose our way
Any night or day
Well we’ll always be
Where we should be
I’m there for you
And I know you’re there for me

And oh how the years go by

And oh how the love brings tears to my eyes

All through the changes the soul never dies

We fight, we laugh, we cry

As the years go by

As the years go by.

I love you Jill! Good luck, my love!

"When you have a baby, love is automatic..." ~Marie Osmond

Welcome Samuel Phillip!
My best friend Amie had her baby on Sunday (March 26). Little Samuel Phillip was born at 2:20, 7 lbs and some ounces. Ten tiny fingers, ten little toes, two adorable blue eyes, two perfect ears, a nose, a mouth and blonde-ish hair. I found out yesterday at around 2. I couldn’t contain my excitement, and could barely walk around. I told everyone I saw. I had already taken off work for a group meeting that ended up being cancelled. So, I grabbed some flowers and a balloon, and ran home to change. I called Jared and asked him when would be a good time to come visit, and he said I could come right then. You certainly don’t have to tell me twice! So, Alicia and I went to visit them for a few minutes. I think we were the first and only friends to come by. Of course both of their families had been in and out. Amie was excited to see us. She kept saying, “I knew you would come!” Amie looked tired, but perfectly content with the world. Jared couldn’t wipe the grin off his face, and who could blame him? He now has not only a beautiful wife, but an adorable, healthy son! Amie took little Samuel out of his little crib, and let us each hold him for a few minutes. Alicia held him for maybe ten minutes, and then I got to hold him for about twenty minutes. Amie’s mom came while we were there, and Alicia had to leave, but I stayed for a while. He is an adorable, perfect, healthy little bundle of joy, and I fell in love with him the moment I saw him! I hope to have pictures soon. We took a camera, but just didn’t have time. I stayed for a little over an hour, and then left because Samuel was hungry. I’m going to visit them later this week, just to check on Amie and see how they’re adjusting to home life. She’s such a cute little mother! Jared is, of course, the most adorable dad. He’s so great with Samuel, just naturally. It made me giggle when I was leaving and Jared was holding Samuel, and he said, “Tell Mallory good-bye!” I thought it was adorable! What a joy and little miracle he is! It’s so miraculous to me. Samuel is here, and he and Amie are safe and sound. All is right in the world!

Fun baby quotes that I love:
"Babies are never common. Each one is a miracle." ~Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables

"Ten fingers, ten toes. He's laughter and teardrops, so small and brand new. And amazingly angelic, he's sent to bless you! He's one special Baby, the best of life's treasure. And will grant and bless you many hours of great pleasure."
~Anonymous

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle."
~ Vincent van Gogh

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for"
~ Anonymous

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy."
~ James Matthew Barrie

Team Bangarang! Less Flab Mo*Ab!

I just got back from an awesome weekend in Moab. We left Friday around 1 pm and got down to Moab around 5. We checked into our campsite and went to eat dinner while we waited for everyone else (and all of our luggage) to get there. We finally got all set up around 8, and then we all hung out for a couple of hours. Sixteen people in our group went down to run the half marathon (13.1 miles!), and the rest of us were there to support them and get a much needed break away from Provo! It was a blast! We had a campfire, ate s’mores, played cards, and then went to bed. I’d like to say that we were all warm and cozy in our tents, but, well, we were camping in a desert in March! We were all wide awake by about 7, and we saw the runners off and then took down camp.

We arrived at the finish line around 10:30 and waited for everyone to come in. Our first team member to come in was Spencer at an hour and 33 minutes. Way impressive! Everyone else trickled in, all racing incredibly well! After the race, all the runners got a massage from our team therapist, Laurie. What an awesome girl she is! I love her to death! It was great. Most of us made shirts that had the team name on them (Team Bangarang), and the supporters got assignments, like “#1 Fan, Massage, and Paparazi. They were great! The team motto was “Less Flab Mo-Ab!” The announcers at the race even commented on it! It was such a fun experience to be there cheering our friends on there at the finish line. We all hung out for a while, and then decided to head home. Most of us met at a diner halfway home in Price. What great food!

The drive home was definitely interesting. We went from the beautiful 60 degree, sunny weather we had enjoyed all weekend to wind and rain, to sleet, to snow in the space of a three-hour drive. Snow through the most dangerous canyon in the US welcomed us back home to Provo. While the weekend was wonderful, seeing the Y on the mountain was a welcome end to the trip! The funniest part was when twenty of us showed up to church the next day sunburned (I have an awesome sunglasses line!), and had a snowball fight afterwards! At ward prayer we started planning our next trip for the end of the semester so we can all go down and enjoy the sights and some hiking in Arches National Park which we had to skip because we were pressed for time and everyone was (understandably) exhausted.

I was so excited that I even bought a Utah travel guide today. It’s going to be such a blast being in Utah this spring and summer. We’re going to take tons of trips and it will be wonderful to get to see all the sights and be outside so much after being trapped inside by the snow for so long. Yes, we have another day or two of snow before our temperatures start warming up permanently… I can’t wait!

Here are some fun pictures from the trip! (More coming as soon as blogger decides to cooperate)

Spring is in the Air!

Spring is definitely here! Well, at least we think it is. I guess in Utah "spring" means five days of 50 - 70 degree weather, followed by five days of snow and freezing weather. But, here at BYU there are other things that come with the advent of spring...

One of the most annoying parts of spring at BYU is the advent of apartment shopping for all the freshmen, and also all the upperclassmen who have decided to move. I can't tell you how many apartment tours I've given. Nor can I tell you how annoying it is when they occur ten minutes after I get out of the shower and I'm attempting to get ready. Apartment shopping also means new roommates... As for me, I'm staying in the same apartment. I love the location, the ward, and the apartment, so I really have no complaints, aside from the problems I've had with my roommate this year. Plus, I own my own piano, or at least I'm working on owning it, and it's just silly to move it! It turns out that all of my roommates are moving out (one's getting married). My initial reaction was thank goodness! However, I am going to miss my roommate Tiffany, who is one of my best friends and one of the sweetest girls ever. Seriously, no one can be mad to or mad at Tiff. Luckily, she's just moving to another apartment in the same complex, so I will still see her pretty often. I was worried, however, about getting three new roommates. When you don't know them, and sometimes even when you do, it's pure luck if you will get along. I've learned the hard way, this year, how miserable it can be when you don't get along. Fortunately, last night I found out that I will be living with three sweethearts that already live here in my complex. They are absolutely adorable, and I'm really excited. I think this is one of the few changes that I am going to be okay with, and even enjoy!

Everywhere else, February is the month of love. Not here. That's cliche. No, here we celebrate several months of love, beginning March 1st and ending somewhere around August. Let me illustrate my point. I have this apartment of six guy friends in my ward that are awesome. In fact, they are adored by about every girl in the ward, and every girl they know. They truly are amazing! Well, about a week and a half ago, in the space of about three days, all but one of them got a girlfriend! No, really, I'm serious. Now, I don't resent this at all. They are all adorable couples, in fact, one of them is dating my best friend, and we are all very happy for them. But really, it all happened in the space of a few days!

It seems that dating, unless you are steadily dating someone, goes into hibernation with the bears during the winter months. I have lots of really fun guy friends that I love hanging out with, and I never go on dates, which really is completely fine with me. Folks, I kid you not, I have been on three dates in the last 10 days! I had so much fun with three different, but equally incredible and fun guys. Seriously, though, what is going on? Things like this just don't happen! It seems like suddenly the boys have come out of hibernation and even the girls that they're just friends with are date-able! Hey, I'm not complaining, just commenting!

Along with dating comes a flurry of marriage proposals, and huge life-changing events. I have three close friends getting married within three weeks of each other this spring. Two other friends are leaving on missions, and one is even having a baby. Some are graduating and leaving to go to grad school. Still others are preparing for and taking the most important tests of their lives, and applying to medical, dental, or law schools all over the country. And, while sometimes I feel left behind, I'm realizing that all of us are growing up, including me.

I got my cohort assignment last week. I'm assigned to the Wasatch school district. I will spend one month during each of the next two semesters teaching daily in this district. After that, I will intern in that district for one school year. Following my internship, I am guaranteed a job, and second-year teacher pay in the district. I'm excited about my assignment because it will require me to drive through the Provo Canyon twice a day, and I absolutely love the canyon. It's also really nice to know what I will be doing for the rest of my stay in Utah.

The other day my playlist was on random, and Graduation by Vitamin C came on. You know, that really cheesy song that they play on every high school graduation video. I seriously haven't listened to it since high school graduation, which was a good three years ago. I remember we thought that our friendships were really going to last forever. We thought that no one would ever be able to replace our high school friends. Thanks to facebook.com we're better able to keep in touch, but, we all have completely new lives, and we are almost completely different people. I remember sitting and talking to my twenty-something year old cousin a few weeks after graduation, and he told me that the friends that would really make a difference in my life, and the ones that I would really always keep in touch with were the ones I would yet make in college. At the time, I didn't believe him for a moment. Now, I'm realizing he was completely right.

As I listened to the song, I realized that these experiences we're having now are the real thing, and they're so much bigger and more important than any we ever had in high school. A lot of the things in the song made a lot more sense, and applied so much more with all the big changes coming this summer and next summer. Here are some of my insights:

We spend a lot of time talking about the rest of our lives, and our big dreams for the future, but it goes beyond when we turn 25 because some of us are turning 25 this year. I think I did have a notion that things were never going to change, but, they are changing, and we really are growing up and going our very own separate ways. We're getting the big jobs, and making the big money, or at least we will be soon. Our jokes are still funny, and I'm pretty sure they always will be. Even a year later, we laugh at our crazy antics, and stupid mistakes. We've proven that we can survive, even succeed, on our own. Suddenly, we are women and men, going on missions, dating, getting jobs, getting married, and having children. But these really are the memories that will never fade, although the high school memories have. And while this is good-bye for some of us, it is our time to fly, and we will keep in touch. And truly,

As we go on we remember all the times we had together. And as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever. Literally. Our friendships and bonds of love are eternal. What a beautiful promise. So, when the mission calls, wedding and birth announcements, dental and law school graduations come, we'll be there, cheering each other on, even though we'll be miles and miles apart, our friendships will only change, not end.

Please let me be. Please go away. I am NOT going to get up today [or at least not until you leave]!" ~adapted from Dr. Seuss

So my roommate and I had a huge argument Monday night after FHE. She always wants to confront issues, and personally, I prefer to avoid them. I really only confront issues with people that I really really care about. I know that sounds jerk-ish of me, but, it's the truth. For the most part, the issues aren't big enough, or I don't care enough to extend the energy to fix them... Oh wow, I hate confrontation. So, anyway, she cornered me. For the record, that's super annoying. So, Monday I spent a lot of time over at my friend's house, chatting with his roommates. It's so nice that their apartment is my sanctuary. Luckily, this time, they didn't know that that was a big part of the reason I went over there so much. So anyway, Dave was doing his laundry at my apartment. My roommates don't particularly like it when he does that, but we both think it's funny, and he knows I'll never say no. So, when he came to pick up his laundry, I went in and was chatting with him, and my roommate came home, and started freaking out to my other roommate and her fiance about it. Well, that was it. I walked Dave to the stairs, and then went straight to my best friend Jill's apartment. I asked her if I could sleep there and she said of course, so, we both came to my place and grabbed my stuff. Everyone asked where I was going and why, and I simply said, "I'm spending the night with Jill because I feel like it," daring them to question me. I spent the whole of Tuesday fuming and crying, and writing my roommate a letter, explaining to her how I felt and stating simply that I was NOT going to deal with it anymore, and that I would leave before another confrontation occurred. Luckily, she's moving out in 6 weeks. So anyway, Dave and I had made this deal that if he did his laundry at my place that I got to watch Harry Potter with him when he bought it Tuesday. So, he text messaged me, and I went over there for the rest of the night. My phone died... Yay for no interruptions from the outside world! Hurray! After leaving Dave's house at 11:30, completely exhausted, I went straight back to Jill's house and slept there again. When I got home on Wednesday, she had left me a letter, appologizing, and saying she hoped we could at least be cordial to each other for the next six weeks... We still haven't said more than 6 words to each other since our argument... All I can say is thank goodness for good friends like Jill and Dave, who are always there for me to vent to, who rescue me when I feel trapped, and who never judge me... ever. They are the friends that I cherish. Theirs are the friendships that I have and will continue to fight to keep. Treat me the way they do, and you'll have a friend for life. Judge and belittle me, and you get nothing.

"Today was good! Today was fun! Tomorrow is another one!" ~Dr. Seuss

I must say that taking a day off from everything did me a world of good today! I'm sooo much happier now than I was this morning and yesterday. I talked to my mom, and my best friend for a while. I got almost completely caught up or ahead in almost all of my classes.

The moral of the story is, if you ever feel overwhelmed, take a Mental Health Day! Don't abuse the privilege, and use it sparingly, only when necessary. There is much to be said in behalf of a change of pace, and a little time out in the sun. Yes, I even got a slight sunburn today. So, do it. I dare you. Take a Mental Health Day sometime when you really really need it. See if it doesn't do the trick!

Bad Mornings...

Have you ever had one of those mornings when you have a really hard time getting out of bed, and then, after being awake for a few hours, you realize, "Today just really isn't my day!" It's even worse when you have two in a row, and when one of them is on a Monday, which is inherently the worst day of the week anyway.

Well, this morning was like that for me. Last night I resolved to ask this guy out for this play this weekend. He's in my FHE group, and is just a really great guy. I found out from a friend that I he's not interested in anyone right now, but thinks I'm a cool girl and would be really fun to go on a date with. I was super excited and my neighbor was going to ask this guy she thinks is cool.

Well, I skipped my 8 o'clock class because was completely unprepared for it. My neighbor came over and told me she didn't want to go anymore. We thought of another guy for her to ask, but, then found out that he is dating someone, or at least we think he is. So, now she's at work debating it with other friends, and I'm totally bummed out. See, it's totally perfect for me to ask the guy that I was going to ask because he's not interested in anyone, and I'm not interested in anyone, so there would be no pressure and we would just have fun. Sometimes it's just nice to go on a date every once in a while. But, I don't ask guys out very often... Just because there seems to be the connotation that if I actually put forth the effort to ask a guy, I must like him. So, I'm essentially too chicken to go on a single date with him, even though I know it would be really fun. Single dates are almost inherently awkward as a first date.

So, I went for a walk and called my mom and my friend, but no one was home. I'm seriously on the verge of tears. How lame. Anyway, I refuse to start my week this way. So, I'm not going to class. I've made the executive decision to take the day off from school and work and get caught up in my classes. So, now I'm sitting in my room wearing sunglasses and blasting my music, with my window wide open, enjoying the weather as much as possible.

I'll start my week tomorrow, with my Pearl of Great Price class at 8 a.m.

It is officially time for spring!

Well, I think I've realized the solution to last night's problem. While buying a car would be wonderful, it's not realistic... Maybe this summer, but, no time soon.

I talked about needing to go drive through the canyons and just escape into my own thoughts and the captivating beauty that are the Rocky Mountains. Sometimes you do just need that time. My sweet friend came over today and offered to drive me through the canyon. I almost took her up on the offer, but declined for two reasons. First, being driven through the canyons is not the same as driving through the canyons as fast or slow as you want, with the windows down, and being able to choose whatever music you want. Second, there's just not enough time in the day!

Here comes my solution...
It needs to be spring. I think at least half of my problem is cabin fever. I'm tired of being stuck inside all the time. And, while it is now starting to warm up, unfortunately, most of the warm daylight hours are spent inside in class or at work. Even my Saturdays are taken up by homework and indoor activities. I suppose I could adapt many of these activities for the outdoors, however, there is entirely too little grass in Utah! There are few trees, and almost no grass because everything is developed.

But there are canyons. Beautiful canyons. Maybe one day I will take my friend up on her offer to drive me through the canyon. I always feel like a moocher when I do that though. Well, relatively soon I will have my own car, and while I'll have to conserve gas, I will be able to take off to the canyons whenever I want. For now, though, I'll just have to admire them from a distance. Spring better come fast, and decide to stay for a VERY long time.

Forgotten...

So, for the most part my posts have been pretty positive and uplifting. And that is how I've felt most of the time these last couple of weeks. But, I need to vent really fast. I'll probably delete it soon anyway, so it won't really matter.

I'm tired of being forgotten. All of my friends are going on dates or at least doing something fun on the weekends, and I'm not. I spend all my time doing homework, or working on something, and hardly do anything fun. I know I shouldn't complain and should just find something fun to do on my own. But really, there is a limit to the number of movies you can watch by yourself, before you start feeling left behind. I'm really happy for all my friends who are interested in someone, dating someone, engaged to someone, or married to someone. I have none of the above, and yeah, if you're not happy single, you won't be happy married. I know that.

Most of the time, I am happy. But I'm really tired of planning fun things that everyone thinks would be really fun, but obviously aren't fun enough to comit to. I'm tired of having to rely on everyone else for rides and such, or else I would just leave. I would take off and drive when I need alone time, or when I'm tired of being alone, and want to drive and blast the music to vent.

I'm just tired of being forgotten. I want to spend time with the people that I love, but they're all off in their lovey-dovey world, or off despising the lovey-dovey world on their own. It gets old.

And yet, there's nothing I can do about any of it. I'm not going to shut myself off from my friends. I'll keep on planning things, and every once in awhile, it will work out. So, I'll just have to get over it. And probably, by tomorrow morning, or at least tomorrow night, I will be. We probably won't go to Harry Potter tomorrow because everyone else will have something better to do, but fine. I'll sit at home and watch a movie, or play the piano. That will be my fun for the week I guess. I'm just so tired of being disappointed. Don't tell me you're coming if you're not. Don't make me wonder either. If you don't want to go, or aren't sure, then just tell me you're not coming. Don't keep me waiting, and then if you do end up coming, I'll be pleasantly surprised. But I'm done asking a billion times until I get a straight answer.

Well, going on our theme from a few posts ago, here's a little Seuss wisdom to help lift the heart:

"I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be fowl...
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and don you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step,
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
A Great Balancing Act...
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percet guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way!"
~Dr. Seuss in "Oh the Places You'll Go"

We’re all substitutes. ~ Elizabethtown on a Friday night

So, it’s 10:15 on a Friday night, and I’m sitting on my couch writing this blog and watching my favorite scenes from Elizabethtown. I actually borrowed it from my friend tonight and watched it for the first time. Friday nights can be pretty boring when you’re single, but there’s something really remarkable about solitude to discover yourself.



Elizabethtown reminded me so much of home. It’s always chaos when my whole family gets together, but, we wouldn’t have it any other way.. we don’t know any other way!

Some music just needs air, and you have to roll down the windows and blast it. It’s especially wonderful when it’s freezing outside and you have the heater blasting! Sometimes you just need to drive. Sometimes you need to just wallow in misery, “enjoy it, embrace it, discard it, and continue your journey." Sometimes you need to just talk to your Dad (earthly, and heavenly). Sometimes you need to take a moment to gaze at the stars. Sometimes you need to revel in the joy and simplicity of solitude!

We’re all substitutes. We all help fill the void, for a small moment, until we all find the one that will fill the void eternally. I’m okay with substitutes. We need each other.

So, dear reader, if anyone bothers to read, take time to smell the roses. Take all the time it takes to see a shooting star. Find a meadow in the mountains, far away from lights, lay down in the grass and gaze at the Milky Way until you have it solidly captured in your mind. Then, when you can’t physically escape there, you can find a quiet corner, close your eyes, and see it as clear as ever, and remember: " All things are created and made to bear record of me, both things which are temporal, and things which are spiritual; things which are in the heavens above, and things which are on the earth, and things which are in the earth, and things which are under the earth, both above and beneath: all things bear record of me."

So, when life gets rough, grab a blanket, a mug full of hot chocolate, and walk. Walk until you can see the stars, and then, sit somewhere and read your favorite book, regardless of how cold it is. Savor the seconds that make up a lifetime and the simple things that make that life wonderful. You’ll fall asleep smiling if you do.

They Just Called Her on a Mission... She still hasn't grown a foot or two!

So, my good friend Kate got her mission call today!!! She's going to the Taipei Taiwan Mission. She is SOOO excited! She jumped up and down, she screamed, she laughed, and the rest of us laughed and cried.

I'm so excited for her! She's going to be an amazing missionary! I still can't believe this is real. Kate, Jessica, Jill and I have been neighbors for 3 years. Our friend Amie left us last year when she got married, and will have her first son in the beginning of April. Everyone is moving on this summer though. Kate will report to the MTC May 31st, Jessica is getting married in May, and Jill is also planning on going on a mission this summer. She will submit her papers in a month. As for me, I'm staying here in Provo all year. I love my classes, but no big events are happening anytime soon in my life. I must admit that sometimes it makes me sad to think that they will all be gone next year.

Well, here's a fun picture. Can you tell how excited she is?

Yay for Kate the Great!

"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll."

This blog originally posted Thursday February 16, 2006:

Well, I'm back after a long break from blogging. Actually, I love blogging, but this semester I have no time. Literally none.

A few days into the semester, I realized how hard it was going to be in every way: physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. We're not even half-way through yet, and I'm really really behind. We have a three-day weekend this weekend, but it's also our last holiday of the semester.

The last two weeks have been rather... blah... for me. I was at home on my couch with an upper-respiratory infection for most of that time, bored out of my mind and getting behind in my classes. But, antibiotics work wonders, and after some recovery time, I jumped back into the swing of things. But, I just wasn't happy. I wasn't unhappy either. Just... blah... It was a "blah" two weeks.

Well, all that changed this Sunday. I should also mention that one of my friends and his girlfriend broke up about two weeks ago, and I've been thinking about him and praying for him a lot since then. (It factors into the story).

So anyway, Sunday... I have been having a rough time with one of my roommates, and for the first time in a while, I had the whole house to myself for most of the day. It was really nice. I spent the time reading, playing the piano, and writing in my journal, three of my favorite things. I checked my friends' blogs to see if anyone had written anything recently (they're almost always good for a laugh). The only person who had updated, and was therefore worth a read, was the friend I mentioned above. At the end, he said, "Times will be rough, but they're bound to get better. So grab your favorite Dr. Seuss book, find a quiet corner, read and think of the simple things that really make this life wonderful." So, I decided to take his advice.

I have this book called Seuss-isms: Wise and Witty Prescriptions for Living from the Good Doctor. I pulled it out, along with Oh the Places You'll Go, curled up in my favorite blanket, and read. I laughed, I cried. It made me think, as my friend suggested, of the simple things that really do make this life wonderful. I really do have so much to be thankful for, especially my dear friends who substitute for my family while I am here at school. We have had some really fun experiences, and made some crazy memories. I love it! And while everything is changing, we will still be friends. We'll still keep in touch, it will only require a little more effort.

Well, I found this awesome quote while I was reading:
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss.

What an awesome thought! It was so awesome that I used it in our ward devotional that night. (I'm one of the few people that can quote Dr. Seuss and Joseph Smith in one sentence and make it work!).

Later Sunday night, my friend Dave came over and we talked for almost two hours. It was wonderful. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there to listen and offer advice, without judging. Dave is so laid back and positive - even when things by most standards are crappy - and I really admire him for that. We talked about a lot of things, from my struggles with my roommate, to my good friend who is on a mission, his struggles, and even a fireside we had watched with some of our friends several months ago. Honestly, I think we both just needed that at that particular moment.

On Monday I woke up five minutes before I raced out the door to my 8 o'clock class, but, with a decidedly better outlook on life. Nothing particularly exciting happened that day, but it was a good one. On my way home, I was talking to my parents on the phone, and the national anthem came on the loud speaker, so I stopped walking and stopped talking to them while the flag on campus was lowered. Since I couldn't really the flag, I just looked around me. My breath was taken away by the beauty that surrounded me. Mount Timpanogos, better known as "Timp" was spectacular. It was covered with snow, but the sky was completely clear blue. Then, the thought came into my mind, "This is all for you. Just remember I understand."

Wow.Tuesday was Valentine's Day. For most single people, it's one of the worst and most annoying days of the year. But, not for me! I was super happy the entire day. I took an enormous bag of candy to school with me, and spent the entire day eating chocolate and sharing it with my friends. I figured if I'm so happy, I should spread the joy. I thought of my friend Dave, and decided to take him lunch at work on my way to class. When I went to drop it off, he wasn't there, and one of the managers that I don't know was there... After I worked up my courage and realized, "hey you're at BYU, everyone's nice, you're not going to get anyone in trouble!", I walked in, and asked if I could leave the bag on Dave's desk. His manager was like, "Hmm.. smells like french fries. Nothing says 'Happy Valentine's Day!' like french fries!" I responded with, "You know that's true... That's why I bought myself some too. I'm sure Dave will share though!" Uh... awkward. I was glad I decided to leave him a note, cuz, he would have thought I was crazy if he came back and his manager said, "Hey, some girl came by and left you some Valentine's Day french fries!" (He probably would have laughed really hard though!) I had class until 7:30 that night, and then I stopped by my friend Mike's house just to chat for a few minutes. Then I went home and did homework all night. Around 10 Dave called to thank me for the lunch, saying it was perfect timing, and asked if he could come do some laundry. I was glad it made him happy. Although most of Tuesday was spent doing school work, it was still fun.

Yesterday was Wednesday, and my longest day. I was on campus for over twelve hours and pretty much wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere by the end of the day. On my way home I was so exhausted I just wanted to cry because it had been a long day. So, I called home and talked to my mom and dad for a while. When I got off the phone I decided to go borrow a movie from Dave. He wasn't around, and I was going to borrow a movie anyway, but I ended up talking with his roommates Taylor and Brent for a little while and watching the olympics with them. After that I went home and went to bed, feeling decidedly better than I had when I was on my way home from campus.

In my religion class we've been talking about Celestial homesickness. I think that was the rut I was stuck in for two weeks. I was pretty tired of and bored with life here. I wanted something more. I wanted to feel like I was home. The last few days I realized that home can be anywhere there is love. The last few days I have felt an outpouring of love from the friends I care the most about, and I have been able, to a small extent, to return that love to them. I know I will never be completely happy until I return to my eternal home, but, that doesn't mean that this life isn't wonderful, or that I cannot be happy here. Like my friend said, life has it's hard times, but, they will always get better, but while you're waiting, focus on the simple things that make life incredible, and so worth it.

Happy New Year!!! (Yeah, I'm a tad bit late)

Ok... slightly awkward, but I accidentally deleted this blog, which I meant to keep... Silly me. So, in order to get it back on in the original order it was written, I had to remove everything else, so now, it looks like I've been an obsessive compulsive blogger the today... Oh well, what can you do?

This blog originally posted January 30, 2006 (still a month late!)

Well, I'm back at school, and decidedly much happier. The 3 weeks we had off for Christmas was a much needed break. I really loved spending so much time with my family. My uncle was diagnosed with leukemia just before I went home. He had his first round of chemotherapy and is now in remission. It was so wonderful to spend time with my extended family. I have the cutest little cousins. Here’s some pictures of my adorable family. I didn’t do anything particularly fun, or go anywhere exciting, but, it was one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. There’s something wonderful about coming home, I really can’t put it into words.

Over the break I also had a ton of time to think. To reevaluate my priorities, and my life. I suppose everyone does that at the beginning of the year, but, my reevaluating took on a whole new meaning, as I suddenly discovered how much I really miss my dear friend who is serving a mission for our church in Ukraine. I'm working really hard this semester. Between classes and work, I don't have time for much else. However, all of friends make sure that I make time every once in a while for a little fun. I worked so hard these last few weeks that I'm now at home sick on my couch. Actually, I was really impressed two days ago, when my friend text messaged me and we had a brief chat. Since we didn't have a whole lot of time to chat, he said he would come over soon because he wanted to hear all about my "fun life." He also seemed genuinely concerned that I was sick and hadn't bothered to tell him. He's wonderful.

Actually, I'm surrounded by wonderful people. When I told my parents yesterday that I was sick, they seemed really worried, but, I'm surrounded by people who love me and who are taking really great care of me. And most importantly of all, with all the stress I am under and the little dramas I deal with, I am HAPPY!
So here's to a year of glorious changes, hard work, new challenges, amazing friends, and wonderful memories!

Heading Home

Well, I'm heading home in the morning for three glorious weeks of NO school. That's not entirely true, actually, I have an independent study class that I need to finish up, so unfortunately, I will have to work on that a little bit.

Finals were pretty rough, but hey, they're over! I just saw Narnia last night. It was awesome. I highly recommend it. I've decided I'm going to start reading the books again over the break. My roommates and I had a New Year's party last night with some of our friends. I must say it was a blast! We know some of the most incredible guys! When they got there, they took over all the cooking and cleaning. The food was delish and we were able to sit back and relax. Oh, and one of the guys and I waltzed around our kitchen. Pretty much amazing!

Thursday night I was feeling really sick, so I curled up on my couch and watched about 5 hours of Anne of Greene Gables. What a classic. I'm still waiting for my Gil. That's how it's going to be for me I think. I think the prospect of marriage will frighten me at first, and that my husband will love me first, but then I will one day come to the realization of how much he really means to me. One last thought before I go, I've continued to think about my profound post of a few days ago... I've learned that this cycle of friendships is part of the plan. It seems like some of my closest and best friends have been guys. I've realized that I can't be best friends with them forever. But one day, I will find a boy who will be my eternal best friend. I don't want my husband to think I'm cool or fun. I want him to love me for all of my imperfections, and because we are best friends, and will always be best friends. And really, that is a very comforting and wonderful thought.

Oh the Profound-ness of Finals

So, I had breakfast with a dear friend of mine this morning. It was rather nice. We had just finished a final for a class we had together, and had a few hours before either of us had to do anything else. We've been friends for almost a year now, this guy and I, and it's meant quite a lot to me to have someone to chat and laugh with. He once told me it's nice to know someone who's almost as sarcastic as he is! We've had some misunderstandings, as most friendships have, and yet, we've always made it through. Well, now he has a girlfriend, (who is a pretty awesome girl, I might add). Unfortunately, for a while, it's felt as though I've simply been left behind.
Sometimes it seems like everyone around me is moving on. Many are on missions. A couple will be leaving to go on missions. A couple are getting married, and one is even having a baby! Sometimes it's rough being the youngest person in your group of friends. I'm excited to begin the Elementary Education program next semester. I think it will finally feel like I'm actually making progress toward my career. I digress.

So, this morning over breakfast, my friend and I talked a lot about goals. My friend will be taking the DAT soon and applying to dental school. He really amazes me. He knows pretty much exactly what he wants to do with his life, and more importantly, he wants to do those things for the right reasons. He has so many dreams, and they all involve his future family. There aren't too many people out there with his focus and determination. Near the end of the conversation, he said, "Life's good. It really is." and I said, "You know, you're right, life really is good!"
As we went our separate ways, him to a final, and me off to study, it occured to me that that was probably one of the last times we'd ever sit and talk like that for so long. My first instinct was to cry. Part of me felt like I was losing my dear friend completely, and that hurt. But, as I attempted to study, thoughts kept going through my mind. And I realized some important things.

First of all, what he said is really true. Life IS good. I have no reason to be sad. We've had some really fun memories. I should look back at our old pictures and smile and laugh at our antics. It's been fun. I've learned a lot of hard lessons from him, but if I had to do it again, I wouldn't change a single thing. Most importantly, I've learned to love in spite of pain, and to forgive, even if it hurts. Our friendship has been worth it all. And really, it's not ending. I'm sure I will see him, and hopefully someday in the future, we'll be exchanging graduation, wedding, and even birth announcements.

Wow! We're all growing up so fast! I'm sure we'll all keep in touch, and keep each other posted about what's going on in our lives. There will be missions, weddings, and children. When we look back, what means the most to us will be our families, and most certainly, the friends that have brightened our days, and unconciously taught us the lessons that prepared us to be the spouses and parents we will all eventually become someday.

Wow. I think I've learned and shared something profound today! I guess that's what finals will do to you!

Joy of Joys!

So, for awhile I've been reading blogs of some friends, and they're pretty hilarious. I decided to start my own... I heard it's what the cool people do, and sometimes profound things are said, but, well, don't expect any of that from me! :-)

Let's see...

Well, finals are coming up. I think everyone knows how much that stinks!

Actually, I have to run, but I wanted to get started.... So, I'll probably write more later when I should be studying!