Stepping Back and Redefining, Part II

Well, I didn't go on a Canyon Drive/Ride... Well, actually, I did a partial Canyon Drive with my dear friend and stopped off to go star gazing for a few minutes. We found cool constellations and it was awesome! While I was flustered when I first left, I had good music and the canyon was deserted (because of the recent/continuing fires), and it is always a humbling moment for me to gaze into the sky and to realize my relative insignificance, but yet my overwhelming worth.

In light of my redefining mood lately, here are some goals I have determined to work toward:
1) I want to learn about astronomy and become an amateur astronomer.
2) I want to be financially stable, and out of debt enough to own a home in the next 5 years, however small it may be.
3) I want to travel to Florence, Italy, and possibly other parts of Europe - but I'm not leaving until I see the Sistine Chapel.
4) I want to earn a Master's Degree in Education.
5) I want to take refresh my Spanish so that I can be conversational and not shy about my knowledge, to better communicate with students and their parents.

And we've all heard the rule of thumb that a goal is no good without a plan, so here are my immediate plans to work toward each of these goals:
1) With my next paycheck I'm going to purchase a small green laser pointer so I can point at what I'm seeing, and share it with others.
2) I am going to take 2 - 3 BYU Independent Study personal enrichment courses: 1-2 on Astronomy, and 1 on personal finance. These will help me learn the skills and have the resources I need to accomplish two of my goals, and keep me in the habit of studying like a student until I actually begin my Master's Program.
3) From my personal finance class I'm going to learn to budget and I'm going to set and stick to a budget that includes, at the minimum: 10% tithing, 10% savings, 10% toward Italy, maximum monthly debt payments, and living expenses.
4) I will remain on a waiting list for the BYU Reading Endorsement program, and also watch for other cohort experiences that tie into a Master's Program, and work to take advantage of those opportunities.
5) I am going to get and take an independent study conversational Italian course (for my trip), and a conversational Spanish course (for goal #5).


I feel better now that I have a few clear defined goals to work toward and a way to get there. Now I'm going to work on setting myself a schedule, and getting myself to stick to it. :)

Stepping Back and Redefining, Part I

The last few days have been one fast emotional roller coaster, and now I feel like the seat belt on the roller coaster is jammed and the roller coaster isn't moving. I feel stuck. You see, last night I made the decision that I needed to step back a bit from some dear friendships, in order to save those relationships in the long run. However, I have this deep social need - not being social, especially in the summer just about kills me. So, now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself - and I feel stuck - stuck in the middle, and alone.

I'm currently faced with several choices, none of which are particularly appealing.
1) Spend lots more time with a close circle of girls whom I love, but, however jokingly, seem to be a little anti-boy. Don't get me wrong, I am boy-less right now, but I am trying not to let that turn me into a bitter person, and I'm still trying to find good things in the gentlemen around me. Unfortunately, at least for me, even the most insincere boy-bashing jokes make that goal a lot harder to achieve.
2) Spend more time with a group of people I haven't really spent time with in months, and with whom I feel like I have very little in common with anymore, except with a few select members of the group.
3) Go out and meet new people. Now this one I'm a little more partial to, but, I'm a chicken. I'm all for meeting new people, but, I like to have a companion or two to do that with - which makes me miss a particular friend quite especially right now.
4) Do nothing, ignore my need for daily social interaction, and completely immerse myself in my work. Well, I could do that, but, if you ask me, it seems a little unhealthy, don't you think?

So, here I sit, blasting Josh Groban, and wanting to go on a canyon drive - too bad I have no gas. I just feel acutely alone and in the middle of a giant group of people that I recognize, but, find it hard to confide in people, even the ones that I know care about me. Maybe I'll go on a bike ride, and then I'll research one of my new and now very real goals - to go to Florence, Italy. I need something to work toward that doesn't feel like work. And I mean it, one day, I'm going to Florence.

A Midnight Rant

So, I've decided that if I had my way in this world, the stupid dating games would be over and done with. Yeah, yeah, play the game but don't play games, blah blah blah. We all may hate it, but we know it's true that this whole college-age and beyond single life is a big giant game. At some point along the way everyone's at least subconsciously trying to give themselves a leg up in the eyes of the opposite sex, as it were.

For example: Guy hurts leg, leg looks awful, girl volunteers to help guy but has no stuff with which to help. I swoop in to save the day with my handy first aid kit, and suggest cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide and get a brief lecture on the validity of it's use in the given situation. Chill out girlfriend. Not interested in your new love interest, just trying to help and in no mood to argue this late at night.

Here's what I really hate - apparently every interaction between a male and female - unless it screams "I loathe you" - is taken by either one of the two parties involved, or an outside observer as "I'm madly in love with you!" I mean really people. Are we five? Is the world still divided into black and white - happy/sad, love/hate. Uh, no! We are much more complex than that, and dang it so are our relationships with each other. There is no black and white anymore, and furthermore, without a gray area in between not knowing the other existed to actually marrying and loving that person for eternity, how are we ever supposed to get to the point where we can confess said undying love?

So, here is my plea that I am sending out into the void - PLEASE STOP ANALYZING EACH OTHER!

Now make no mistake, as a female, this non-analyzing gig is a foreign concept to me, however, I am trying. And can I tell you that my happiest days are when I don't analyze my relationships? Seriously.

Take today for example. It was a holiday and for that reason I was able to go camping last night with 3 close friends, and then spend today traipsing around enjoying myself with my friends, without a care for time constraints, being able to talk, laugh, joke, and even occasionally flirt without worrying about a nosy person prying into my affairs and analyzing me.

Here's the flip side - that marvelous feeling of safety and security we feel with friends we trust can be shattered by people, however sincere they may be, jumping in with their personal analysis of the situation: "Wait, you're not dating him/her?!" "Oh, he/she must totally like you!" "Holy cow, you sat next to each other for two whole sacrament meetings... in a row!!!" Really? Really?! Do you think they needed your help to realize any of those things? And why must we assume that every kind gesture, toward ourselves, or another person is a profession of undying love? It's not. Why don't we believe that those kind gestures are just a manifestation of the innate good nature of that person? Can't we at least give each other that benefit of the doubt?

Now folks, I may be overreacting a little by ranting like this, but I'm SICK of people analyzing me and my relationships - it can end up destroying what could have been deep and lasting friendships - all because people can't keep their eyes, ears, and mouths to themselves.

So, in case it hasn't been made clear just yet - BACK OFF! There is no love triangle, octagon, hexagon, or whatever shape fits the situation the best. The love shapes don't exist, but in the place of these imagined love shapes, there are individuals who enjoy each other's company and are building relationships. And yes, people may occasionally practice their flirting skills on each other - but really, where's the harm in that? Is it really a problem to practice flirting when it feels like there's little risk of some sort of awful retribution for it? If anything, it seems that practicing in a safe-zone makes it natural and easier to flirt with other people later. And well, let's say that sometime in the future a relationship develops into something more. Well huzzah for you! You suspected it all along, Yay hooray, you're just great. Oh but wait, this was never about YOU in the first place. So take a step back and try to be happy for your friends or acquaintances who have found someone they feel compatible with, and don't you dare start thinking wedding bells. Let them experience the joy of a budding relationship without your constant analysis - if it develops into something eternal, believe me, you'll be notified - they're called wedding announcements and they're generally located on most refrigerators in Provo.

Well, I have things to do tomorrow. And while writing has a therapeutic role in my life, hence the above rant, I must end this now. Please consider my plea, dear void, and perhaps take my advice to leave others alone in their relationships. Trust me, it's hard enough to find someone you enjoy spending time with, why make it harder by adding your astute analysis to the millions of analyses of their own they fight against constantly. For my part, I'm going to seriously work on my natural tendency to analyze, and I also vow to not let the selfish analyzing punks to impose their "insights" on me and ruin my day. Because in spite of that event and this rant, today was wonderful - because I felt safe, content, and happy surrounded by those I have come to love doing exactly what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it, however spontaneous and reckless it may have seemed to the outside world.

Ode to a dear friend

So, tonight, a dear friend of mine came home after what most of us thought was a vacation, walked in the door, and told a roommate, "Come give me a hug, I'm moving home... right now." Needless to say, we were all shocked, but, people quickly mobilized to help my friend pack and move.

When said friend gave me a hug goodbye, I nearly started crying, and when they pulled out, I nearly lost it but didn't because of the other people standing around. Afterwards I persuaded some other friends to go for a walk, which, still hasn't really calmed me, so, I'm sitting here, now writing about how much I'm going to miss my friend, because I can't sleep. Now, folks, this really was a friend - by the way I'm talking, you may think that I was deeply in love with this person - not so, but, I did, and do love him. So, here is my tribute to a friend that I think a lot of people, including myself, took for granted while he was around.

Here's to:
* summer nights
* Jurassic park all night long
* long, completely honest talks
* HE council
* Pioneer Day Extravaganza
* FIRST Annual Water Olympics
* bear hugs
* understanding about my brother, and my friends, and my home teachers, and everything else.
* the lobby
* shooting
* Pain Train
* baseball
* Earth Day - the burning bush at Bishop's
* rock star outfits
* camping, driving, walking
* Saturday lunches
* honey pots and table cloths
* awesome Asian restaurants
* Applebee's happy hour and making a waitress's night with a crayon and a napkin
* breaking up the Ohana bag
* helping me set up my classroom for the first time and experiencing Dairy Keen

I guess it can all be summed up in one word - love. We loved each other - not in the romantic sense. But I think we are all so busy looking for romantic love that we don't acknowledge the other kinds of love which are so important, and sustaining.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend. What part of our lives do we lay down? If we're doing it right, we lay aside our jobs, or the video games, or the television, or the computer, and take time to spend with others. That's what this friend does all the time.

So here's to a friend who brought joy and comfort into my life by simply showing he cared. Thanks for the awesome memories!

Blah, blah blah

There's a post that belongs here that I wrote by hand when my internet was down, but, I have other things on my mind now, so, the actual typing of it will have to wait.