So much to say, so little ways to say it...

It's really hard to put what I'm feeling into words right now. I read an e-mail today from a dear friend who is serving a mission in Ukraine. We were good friends freshman year, and kept in touch over the summer until he went on a mission. I wrote him faithfully almost every month for the first 15 months of his mission. These last 6 it's been a little more infrequent, but his mother forwards me his weekly e-mails, and while I may not always have time to write, he is in my thoughts quite often. He comes home in 59 days... but who's counting. In his e-mail he was making plans for the summer and for returning to school. I really can't believe he's coming home. I can't believe it's been two years!

It's interesting because when I told people about saying good-bye to him, everyone always says, "oh, he likes you. You don't have a good-be like that with someone you don't care about." That's just it. We care about each other. I don't know that it's romantic. But whenever I have troubles with other guys, all my friends say, "Well, Stephen's coming home..." Yeah, he is. Lots of people ask me if I plan on going on a mission. I don't feel like I should go on a mission, I've only wanted to in passing, more because it was a cool thing to do and less because I really wanted to. I've never really envisioned myself on a mission, but rather married. It's funny because it's almost two years until my girl friends will be home from their missions. That's a long time and so much can happen in that time - look at Amie and Jared! They went from not knowing each other existed to being happily married with a newborn baby boy!

It was interesting the feelings I had when I read his e-mail today. Reading his e-mail today, though, he really has direction. Since becoming friends with Dave, that is something that has become a necessity for my husband. He's got to have direction. Stephen wants to major in International Relations and probably go to graduate school. He's so ambitious and so driven. It's impressive. I've spent over two years convincing myself that we're never going to date, much less get married, and now as his homecoming gets closer and closer, I get more and more excited. It's not a nervous excited, but a peaceful excitement, almost an assurance. It's very hard to describe.

Everyone says they can totally see me with someone like Stephen, and truth be told, I don't think I've really met anyone that could take his place in my heart. Maybe I eventually will. One of my good friends told me a few minutes ago that she can see me married in the next two years. It's so funny because I have no idea if that will actually happen, or who it will happen with. I've often wondered what it will be like to really fall in love, and how I'll know. My friend's boyfriend put it the way I imagine it, "there's no one else in the world I would rather be with."

I don't know. I often wonder what it will be like, and how it will feel to fall in love. But mostly, I just dream. I don't really know how I'll know, but, I know I'll know.